Author: Crofton77

Lemon Tree

One of my many tasks at The Mausoleum is data validation. Sometimes the reporting functionality of  the systems I use becomes corrupt. When this happens I go to see The Guru. The Guru knows all and is a pretty good bloke all things considered. However, consultation with The Guru comes at a price – cake!

Depending on my mood I normally buy the cake, sometimes though I am moved to actually bake…from scratch. My 'go to' cake is a Lemon Curd Sponge.

Now I am NOT a cook by any stretch of the imagination.. but I do manage to make a ripper cake:

4 eggs
3/4 cup caster sugar
1 cup self raising flour
1tbsp cornflour
1/3 cup boiling water
10g butter
1/3 cup lemon curd
600ml whipped cream

Preheat oven180C
Lightly grease and line two 20 cm sandwhich pans with baking paper.
In a bowl, using an electric mixer,beat eggs for thirty seconds until frothy.
Gradually add sugar until thick and pale and mixture holds its shape (could take 10 minutes).
Sift flour and cornflour together.
In a jug combine water and butter.
Gradually fold flour lightly into the egg mixture, followed by the water mixture.
Pour mixture evenly into pans.
Bake 20-25 minutes until sponge springs back when lightly touched
Turn cakes onto tea towel covered cooling racks.
Cool completely.
Spread one cake with 1/4 cup Lemon Curd and half the cream.
Top with second cake. Dollop spoonfulls of remaining cream on top of cake followed by spoonfuls of Lemon Curd, gently swirling the Lemon Curd through the cream.

This cake tastes divine. The smooth, almost blandness, of the cream is saved by the delicious tang of the Lemon Curd (yes I did use the recipe in the Lemon Curd link and made the curd from scratch ). The cake is merely a vehicle to deliver the delicious confluence of flavours.

I hope you enjoy the cake as much as we all did at The Mausoleum!!!

I Don't Like Cricket…

All I wanted to do was go to the cricket….

Every year for the past 4 years I buy the Normal Autistic Girl  and myself a membership to the Brisbane Heat, Big Bash League. Twenty/20 cricket is fast entertaining and a hell of a lot of fun. The BBL05 crowds are a testament to its popularity, seriously 80,000+ people at a domestic T/20 match anyone????

Anyway, late 2015 the Normal Autistic One decided she needed her car (Tenny) back ( I have been driving her car for the best part of eleven months) and I thought to myself 'well then I need a car don't I?' I have cricket to attend and such. So I checked the for sale boards at work and lo and behold there's an Audi A4 for sale. I speak with the seller and pennies are exchanged and I think well this worked out ok…or did it?
I drive the Audi and the Mini Brat drives Tenny ( taking her back to the Normal autistic Girl) and off we go to Brisbane. Lovely drive down there, the Audi is a comfortable car and I enjoyed the trip, until we decided to come home. I have never experienced anything like it. The car refused to speed up and bucked like a bronco if you asked it too. I persevered and drove carefully and then we went to climb The Range. OMG how bloody mortifying was that? five times the Audi lost power enough to stall and five times we put the hazard lights on, pulled over and started her up again.Then driving through town, what a bloody nightmare, stalling across traffic intersections and I prefer NOT to remember the dozen or so times it stalled the rest of the way home. Needless to say I was not impressed!!
Now whilst this drama is unfolding, I ring HR and he rings an Audi dealer who mumbles something about 'Limp Mode'. Apparently it is a safety thing Audi's have. I take the car to the mechanic the next day and so begins the steady drain on my bank account two weeks before Christmas.
The Normal Autistic Girl drives 2.5 hours to come and get me so I can go to the first Heat T/20. I keep Tenny because I have to drive to Brisbane to fly out to HR's for Christmas. Just as well I did.
$900.00 odd dollars later and the mechanic says the Audi is fixed and serviced. I thought then when HR is in town I'll test the car until then I'll just drive Tenny.
Got back from HR's and took the Audi for a quick run down the hill and back, glad I  did. Beautiful run down and up but then after a quick Macca's run it started with the loss of power and stalling.
'Well isn't this nice?' (thanks Alanis) I thought to myself. There's cricket on on Sunday ad HR will have gone back to his place how the heck will I get to the cricket?
We went into Kia before HR left, hopefully I will be driving a new Cerato around by Tuesday.
That doesn't solve Sunday's cricket dilemma does it?????
I'll hire a car then…yeah good idea that.
Well stone the bloody crows that was probably the worst idea EVER!
Apparently if you use a debit card they will place three thousand dollars on a bond against you having a crash BUT if you pay thirty three dollars that can be reduced to three hundred and thirty dollars which they will still put on hold. Oh and it will take from three to twelve WORKING days for the hold to be lifted. So essentially unless you have three thousand dollars hanging about doing naff all….you won't be hiring a car will you?
FECKING HECK do you want the heart of my first born as well?
And don't forget, should you have a speeding or parking fine, or a toll etc a forty five dollar admin fee will apply.
Oh yeah and I forgot to take my Jasmine tea with me.
So here I am sitting in my favourite hotel resting until the cricket starts.
EDIT: WE bloody WON!!!! Chris Lynn is a fecking LEGEND! #Lynnsanity.
Oh yeah…. I bought a Kia Cerato Si sedan I should have it by Wednesday!!!!!

Chapter Fifty-Seven: My Best Friend

The young man groaned. The only seat left in the science class was next to the new girl, and everyone knew she was crazy. She'd already been kicked out of three schools that year for violence.

"Please take a seat Mister Schnider." The teacher said. Sighing, he took the seat next to the crazy new girl, who merely glared at him.

"Excellent, we've managed to fit two to a table. You'll be spending the rest of the year working with your partner, so make sure you get to  know each other." The teacher beamed.

"Tough luck Webster!" The young man heard a voice from behind him. He could hear whispers around the room. "Poor Webster! Getting stuck with Markington!"

It couldn't be denied; the scowling, isolated Tate Markington next to him was a dangerous young lady. Or so everyone said, Webster really hadn't had much to do with her.

The teacher set them their assignment and started reading his book as they started to "work" (read: Do whatever they liked, it's not like the teacher cared). Webster gulped.

"Scared of me, are you?" Tate sneered, turning away from him to read her own book.

"I don't even know you!" Webster protested.

"Well, I'm Tate Markington. Now you know me." Was the short reply.

"I'm Webster." Webster smiled, trying to connect with the young lady in front of him. "So, the sheet says we need to pick a plant species and write a report on it. Any suggestions?"

"Cactus." Tate replied snappily.

Webster tried not to laugh. Tate raised an eyebrow at him.

"I'm sorry." Webster giggled. "I don't know why I find it so funny."

Tate shook her head, but started laughing too.
"And they call me mental." She shook her head. "Seriously, though, cactus would be interesting, and no one else will do them. They're all about trees and flowers."

"You mean things that people actually like?" Webster finished chuckling.

"Hey, cactii might not look appealing, but they're super-hardy and can be useful if you're stuck in the desert and don't have any water." Tate defended her choice.

"Cactus it is then." Webster wrote it down in his notebook. "You know, you're nothing like what people say you're like."

"How so?" Tate blinked.

"You actually seem to have a sense of humour." Webster poked her. Tate grinned, but then looked downcast.

"Yeah, unfortunately it's only on good days I have a sense of humour. The rumours are true you know. I got kicked out of a few schools because of my temper and my ability to hold a grudge." She began doodling in the margins of her notebook. "It's just when I know people are trying to hurt me or the people who I care about I go spare."

"Well, you just need to learn how to NOT go spare. Do you see a doctor at all?" Webster asked, flicking through his textbook to see if he could find anything cactus related.

"My foster parents can't afford it. Besides, it's not like I'll be with them for much longer anyway, they said if I got kicked out of one more school they'd send me back to the orphanage." Tate stabbed at her notebook with her pen. Obviously, she'd spent a lot of time at the orphanage and didn't want to go back.

"Well, we're friends now, so I'll try and help you keep your temper." Webster smiled.

"You mean it?" Tate looked up at him, hopeful.
From that day forth, Tate and Webster were inseperable. Nothing could get between them.

Except Tates feelings.

Webster sighed. It had been a long day, between his horror lectures and keeping people from picking on Tate. It had been six years since their first meeting, and she had made awesome progress – she had a few friends now and was much happier. Alas, mud sticks and she was victim of many taunts and pranks.
Webster tried to stick up for her, but it was hard work with her flash-bang temper and nasty habit of holding cold, long grudges. Also, Webster had a sneaking suspicion that Tate had a crush on him.

He walked into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him, before flinging his bag onto his desk and flopping face first onto the bed.  Tate was his best friend. She was his sister, the twin sister he had lost to death in early childhood. He groaned at himself – Tate and Wendy were two completely different people, and Tate could never be Wendy and Wendy could never be Tate.

He sighed. That wasn't the real issue at all. The real issue, although he was ashamed to own it, was that Tate was just too weird. She was rapturous, imaginative, spontaneous, and completely and utterly insane. He often laughed, not with her, but at her, because he could never follow how she got from one thought to the next. He couldn't understand her ideas, he couldn't understand HER. While he could have lived with that if it was just her, he couldn't live with people laughing at him, pitying him, turning up their noses at him because of her. He loved her – of that there was no doubt, despite her loopy ways, but public pressure was too much for him to bear.
He lifted his head and looked at his laptop, which was on the bedside table next to him. He reached out and grabbed it, flipping himself over, making himself comfortable and turning it on. He opened up one of his favourite chat rooms, where he often went to try and forget about the rest of the world.

He soon got into an argument about the latest sci-fi movies with a couple of idiots. He had a feeling he was being trolled, but it was fun, so he continued. A private message window popped up after a while.

"Why are you entertaining those idiots when you could easily squash them?" The message said.

He typed back. "I've got nothing better to do. My assignments are all done and there's no tests to study for until next month."

"And trolling in chat rooms is the best you can do? You're a bit pathetic." Was the response.
Webster smiled to himself. He was a bit pathetic really.

"So why are you wasting your time with me? I'm Webster by the way."

"I'm Madison. I get the feeling there's more to you than you let on. Like you're trying to hide something from the world."

Understatement much? Webster sighed again. He could always tell this anonymous person about his problems with Tate, about how she loved him and how he was trying not to love her back lest he become an outcast like her too.

"I'm complicated." He said.

"So make it easy for me."

Why was she so interested?

Webster was curious. After a while, he discovered that Madison was a year younger than him and lived up north in a city called Pleasantville, which was a bit of a crime haven.

"Yesterday one of the local gangs tried to take over the private school. Two kids named Belle and Charlie stopped them though. At the same time, the other local mobsters tried to rob a bank. Both gang leaders were killed, but I doubt it's the end of the gangs." Madison told him. "My dream is to study law and eventually help the local prosecutor Peter Masters become the Mayor and finally clean up this city."

"That's a pretty noble dream. I'm just doing a Bachelor of Arts right now, I don't really know what I want to do." Webster typed back, feeling for the first time like he was connecting with someone other than his psycho best friend.

"Don't you have any ambition at all?" Madison asked.

Now she was starting to sound like Tate, who often told him how he was wasting himself due to his cowardice.

"You're starting to sound like my nutcase best friend. She's always trying to get me to push myself."

"Maybe you should listen to her. Anyway, I've gotta go and have dinner and do my homework, I'll talk to you again sometime!"

Webster smiled to himself. For the next few months, when he got home he immediately went for his laptop to talk to Maddy. She was an outlet for his pent up emotions, and she in turn often asked for his advice. He found it easier and easier to put aside his feelings for Tate, who was starting to get a bit desperate.

"Hey Webby, I'm going to go out for dinner, would you like to come with me?" Tate asked after a lecture one day, about a year after that first conversation with Maddy.

"Um, probably not Tater. I've got a lot of study to do." Webster lied.

"We never hang out any more. I miss you." Tate grabbed his arm and cuddled up to it, making people stare at them. Webster tried to shrug her off, but she wouldn't budge.

"Look, I promise we'll go to the arcade this weekend and go and play computer games. I might even let you win." Webster tried. Tate grinned.

"You're on!" She punched his arm before running off in her stupid, almost skipping way. For a moment it felt like old times again, before her stupid feelings got in the way. Webster smiled, and went home to talk to Maddy.

"I'd really like to meet you. I'm going to be in Brisvegas next week to look at the University, would we be able to meet then?" Maddy asked that night.

Webster couldn't wait to say yes.

Of course, everything went smoothly when Webster met Maddy, and after a fashion they became a couple. Of course, Webster never told Tate about this.

Several years later, Webster announced that he was moving to Pleasantville. Tate was distraught.

"But WHY do you want to leave?" She asked Webster as they sat in his room while he packed.

"Because I think my future lies there." Webster replied, silently adding, "With Maddy."

"I guess you need to follow your dreams. I hope you make it, whatever they are." Tate said quietly.

"Thanks buddy." Webster hugged her tightly, before forcing himself to let go. 'You can't stay here with her.' He told himself. 'You know what she's like.'

"Maybe someday you'll come back." Tate tried to smile, for his sake.

"Maybe." Webster shrugged non-commitally. There was no way he was going to come back here as long as Tate was around.

"I'm sure you will." Tate hugged him. "When are you going?"

"Day after tomorrow." Webster lied. His bus left the next morning.

"Then I guess we'll still have tomorrow, right?" Tate kissed his cheek.

Webster felt awful for lying, but he really didn't want Tate there to say farewell and make a scene.

The next time he saw Tate, she was surrounded by destruction, less than twenty-four hours from her own death.

Wherever I Lay my Hat…

I travel a fair bit.
Some might say I travel alot. Others might disagree.
Most of my travel is for Australian Rules (AFL) football matches ( I am a rabid Brisbane Lions supporter) or for Cricket ;Tests, One Dayer and Big Bashes ( I am a rabid Brisbane Heat fan even if the last two years have been awful).
The other reason for travel is, of course, to visit HR.
Most of the footy and cricket travel is to Brisbane (Brisvegas), though there are times when HR and I chose an interstate match and add a few days either side to make a bit of a holiday.
There are three hotels in Brisbane that I frequent;The Hotel Grand Chancellor, The Watermark Hotel and The Wellington Apartment Hotel.
The Hotel Grand Chancellor and The Watermark Hotel are my preferred options if I need to stay in Brisbane for work. Both have great facilities are clean and comfortable. The prices are excellent and they have GREAT summer specials. Both have had refurbs lately. Both are well placed for wherever you want to go be it the city the airport or some of the entertainment.
The night before I flew out to HR's for Christmas I stayed at The Watermark Hotel.They have some excellent room service specials, for $20.00 you get a meal and a drink! The food was pretty darned good, plenty of it and tasty too.
The Wellington Apartment Hotel is BRILLIANT for when I go to the cricket or the footy, they don't price gouge when they know there is a match/game on and they are clean and comfortable and within walking distance to the Gabba.  Breakfast at their restaurant is delicious and well priced!

Driving back with HR from his place to mine we decided to stay overnight in Coonabarabran at the Amber Court Motel. A clean and comfortable budget motel that is well placed to catch the custom.
One of the novel things we found in Coonabarabran, in Woollies of all places is shown below.

I am off to the cricket this weekend..GO HEAT!!!!!!
 

So This Is Christmas

Given that HR was working Christmas day and beyond, and The Mini Brat was in Germany, I decided to spend Christmas with HR where he lives.
Using my frequent flyer points I booked and boarded a plane.
The main dilemma here was always going to be what to create for Christmas Lunch. I had several ideas and after wasting my time and energy asking HR what he would like (whatever  you thinks best Dear is his stock standard answer, man refuses to make a decision) I decided that a Watermelon and Prawn Salad, Morton Bay Bugs in Dijon Sauce, Ham, Cheeses and sundry salads would be an appropriate repast (ever notice how difficult it is to cut down the amount of food you prepare when the kids are gone?).
Left over prawns would be made into garlic prawns and one must always have too much ham for the obligatory ham and eggs on Boxing Day.
I warned HR that we would go shopping for comestibles as soon as he picked me up from the airport and he dutifully chauffeured me to the appropriate stores. Thank fully we were unable to get the Bugs.
We lumbered up the stairs to HR's apartment laden with groceries and suitcases (I DO travel light… sometimes) and while I put stuff away HR made the cuppas (what else are men good for? nuffin!!!).

Christmas Eve was a busy day. We toddled off to the Crematorium, taking some lovely pink Carnations to lay on my Father's resting spot. It's always calming sitting beside the Golden Carp infested water ways and communing with Dad ( most of my comms with Dad are had at a hectic pace whilst driving long distances to get to sporting events). Then we went to my Brother's place, talk about from the sublime to the ridiculous!

The best that can be said about my Brother is that he is eccentric. I always say to HR that we're only staying an hour and then whoooshka three hours later……he can be an interesting bloke and this time we had some robust discussions on politics and religion, go figure.

After a nice dinner, and bemoaning the fact there was no Big Bash Cricket on, we watched some NCIS and retired. HR had to start work at 0600 Christmas Day.
Barely an hour had passed when the stomach cramps started. The pain was akin to the contractions one has when giving birth. Not long after that the inevitable nausea and diarrhoea started and there went the whole Christmas ball game.
I managed not to disturb HR and wandered aimlessly about the lounge room (with quick dashes to the loo every 20 minutes or so). Suffice to say I was a very sore and sorry camper!!! I did not have any medication with me whatsoever.
HR went to work and I suffered the rest of the day BUT we managed to find a Chemist open and HR secured the magic concoctions to save me!

Needless to say there was no Christmas dinner for anyone, I think HR had toast. There was no way I was preparing any food at all until I was totally cured!!! Boxing Day was spent finsing the fixings for some very bland home made fried rice.

Ah well……..

Another One Bites The Dust

I think this is the last lost tradition post for 2015 and I have saved the big one for last.

This year, for the first time in 27 Years (yes the Normal Autistic Girl ,Kezz, is 27) I will not have my children with me for Christmas.
I am not sure how I feel about this.
I am not responsible for this.
HR started the demise of this tradition by agreeing to work Christmas Day (remember HR works in another state) and in all good conscience I couldn't let him fend for himself on a day that is about family.
The Mini Brat compounded the deal by announcing she was going to Germany for Christmas (alas it has not snowed so she may not get the white Christmas she was hoping for).
Further complicating it all is the fact that for the first time in 15 years I will not be seeing The Dragon Lady (my Mother) for Christmas.
The Normal Autistic one will pick up the slack and go and see her Nana on Christmas day and then she will go and see The Boy Child, his Consort (the saint in making) and my gorgeous Grand Sons.

So, a tradition that has lasted as long as my parenthood is now broken. No mad rush to clean the house before The Dragon Lady comes for lunch, no mad rush to shop for the perfect foods to serve, no mad rush to buy and wrap appropriate presents and place them just so around the tree, no wondering where the hell the kids are, those who have had to travel to be with us,no wondering will HR get back from his parent's place in time to go and pick The Dragon Lady up.

No more will we fear the annual critique of the gardens ,we bought the house off The Dragon Lady and once a year she visits, Christmas, and criticises (not always constructively) the gardens and any 'improvements' we have made to the house.

Last year the Consort was suffering food poisoning, so we thought, seems she was pregnant!!

So this year it will be just HR and I.
I am not sure how I feel about this.

Ch Ch Ch Changes

For the last seven years I have worked with a team of five. For four and a bit years I have been the 'boss'. There's been some changes over the years, people have come and gone but there was always me and Grasshopper.
Grasshopper and I have had an interesting relationship over the time and only last year she shocked me by telling me she identified as Indigenous (it's not half obvious really). We got a lot of mileage out of that, people never know when to take us seriously. We have always dressed 'corporate' in black suits and heels. We have been referred to as 'the mafia'. Some people think they're funny.

Anyway, Grasshopper and I have a tradition (here we go again) of 'decorating' our work space in some sort of theme. The other members of the team have always been happy to go along and we always as for their input but they leave it to us.
Over the years we've had a Zen garden, Ayers Rock/Uluru, and some of the more recent ones are shown here:
Christmas 2014

 Christmas 2015

 The Bazaar 2015

We have had a lot of fun putting these together and dealing with some of the more silly comments from the rest of the building's inhabitants as they walk past or through our little section. Some people think they're funny and make dumb comment, some people have said what a great thing we do and they love to see what we will do next, some people contribute small things to the theme. No matter what the contribution, we have achieved what we set out to do…. create a space where people feel free to be themselves whatever that is, to get people talking and involved in some way.

Grasshopper has gone and gotten herself a job in another state. Now there is only me left and 'they' have decided, in their infinite fricken wisdom, that I am  to be incorporated into another unit.
No more themes … another tradition is gone….All the very best of wishes to you Grasshopper!!!

Its the End of the World as We Know It

Here at The Mausoleum we have several traditions that are about to hit the dirt. (The Mausoleum is in the process of size reduction and eventual move to Brisvegas)
The first tradition to go is the Manager Finance (MF) BBQ-ing every day for the last two weeks of December. During the year we have a welfare club that provides snags (sausages) every Tuesday and Thursday, and bacon and egg burgers every pay day (fortnightly). The welfare club ceases this activity (due to most people being on holidays) the second week of December. MF bravely steps in and provides us with all manner of bbqed delicacies from chicken skewers to bacon and egg burgers and a lot in between. He sends an email every morning to apprise us of the day’s offerings and then off he goes at 0930 to light the barbie!
But now, alas, the MF has chosen to leave us! There was a collective groan throughout The Mausoleum at the announcement. Who will cook for us next year? What will we do without the delicious little morsels to look forward to on otherwise boring days? MF saves us all in these last few working days and next year he won’t be here…….
To the Manager Finance I offer my heartfelt thanks for the years of service to the tongs, and wish you every happiness and success in whatever you do in your future!!!
The second tradition is the Punters Club (PC). The PC has existed time out of mind and is/was a bunch of like minded people who liked to take a chance with Lady Luck on the horses, dogs, keno, lotto, two flies crawling up a wall, you get the picture! Now, one of the mainstays of this club, DD, has decided retirement is the go and thus the club will disband after March next year (Hagalicious can’t go on without DD apparently). Never again will we gloat or bemoan the weekends tipping and check the spreadsheets to see who has won the most. Never again will we sit, as a club, in the Legends Room at Clifford Park Raceway on our special yearly break up day. 
Enjoy your retirement DD!!!!
The third tradition is the Christmas Pub Crawl (CPC). Every year, Management (yes that means me), puts on a Chicken and Champagne breakfast for our staff to say Thank You  for making us look good all year. The CPC takes place after the Chicken and Champagne. Designated Drivers ferry the festive folk to the nominated starting pub and the crawl begins! We sample most of the 'in' pubs playing pool and cranking up the juke box singing along to the tunes. Sadly there will be one last hurrah and then no more. To the stalwarts who are there every year, thank you for your company SALUTE!!!

There are a few other traditions that are coming to an end and I will blog about them separately over the coming days. It has been said that 'change is goodness' I'm not convinced…..

Sweet Dreams Are Made of Cheese (parody)

I am partial to the odd piece of cheese. I like ALL kinds of cheese from a nice Camembert to a strong Blue Vein and everything in between. I especially like the Blue Vein in a sauce on a medium rare steak…but that's another story.

Today I feel constrained to blog about a cheese I have been nibbling over the last week: Mainland Smoked Cheddar. 'A smokey flavoured cheddar that's warm and cheery like an open fire' is he blurb on the packaging. It lives up to its name! A lovely tasty, smokey, slightly crumbly, cheddar that tantalises the taste buds and goes with anything!

Just now I had some cold roast chicken, salami, cherries, apricots and the delicious smoked cheddar for a light evening repast. The cheese doesn't overwhelm the taste of its culinary companions but niether is it lost in their various flavours – it holds its own in any company.

There are occasions when a biscuit is needed with one's cheese and with this little beauty I match it with a multigrain Salada and a sweet white wine, Brown Brother's Moscato, is my preferred tipple. Yes yes I am told red wine is served with cheese but…..as I always point out…I am not a food connoisseur I just eat and drink what I like.

Sometimes I have been known to wrap the delicious morsels of smokey cheddar goodness in a slice of salami as a quick pick me up snack!
 
Now if HR were here to assist me in the consumption of said cheese, he'd be looking for some olives and cellery! And of course we would argue about what kind of olives!



 So all in all this Mainland Smoked Cheddar is a tasty versatile cheese that I will be looking for again when I hit the shops!!!

Baby you can drive my car

Cars have naff all to do with food I hear you say, and you're quite right but…cars are a necessary evil in getting one to and from restaurants and grocery stores hence this post.

Once upon a time I owned a gorgeously cheeky little Kia Cerato Koup, I loved that car and we had many good times together.

Then HR (the husband, remember?) decided he wanted to exchange his crappy piece of Euro Trash Mondeo for a Mazda BT 50 (The BT). My little Kia was sacrificed on the altar of his masculine stupidity (I'll stop sobbing momentarily) and I inherited my first piece of Euro Trash.

 Next thing is The Boy Child is living 50 mins away from work and his piece of shit Holden Commodore (hereafter referred to as The Crummy) was costing him a fortune in fuel, maybe he could use the Mondeo (diesel is cheaper and more economical apparently) and I could use The Crummy. Well the big problem there is that I will NEVER willingly drive a Holden.

So we have a conundrum! BUT the Normal Autistic Girl lives in Brisvegas and uses public transport so her car (Tenny the Veloster) is in an advanced state of disuse, perhaps Mother could use that? Well yes but it is unregistered and some bastard has side swiped it and driven off so……..

Anyway, long story short, Tenny got registered and repaired and came to live with me for ten months.
Keeping up are we?
So, the Normal Autistic Girl suddenly needs her car back!! More than a conundrum here, we have a fricken DILEMMA!! What will Mother drive? How will she get from here to there and to her many food sources?
Check the classified boards at work!! Genius right? Mebbe.

There's a car for sale (more Euro Trash). An Audi, going cheap, but in good condition. Hmm I think to myself let's be looking at this then. Long story short, again, I bought said Audi, bargain yeah? Mebbe.

The Audi passed a roadworthy and has new tyres and is generally ready to rock (The Mini Brat Lurvs the Audi and wants it when I get my new Kia). Let's take Tenny back to Brisvegas!

I drive the Audi, the Mini Brat drives Tenny ( a story in itself but not right now). It's raining all the way there. We meet the Normal Autistic Girl at Macca's near the Gabba, give her her car and the Mini Brat and I start the drive back (forgetting to get my house keys off Tenny's keyring…we had to climb in a window when we got home).

Merrily driving along and fielding abuse from the Mini Brat, seems my attempt to be considerate by not speeding along on the way TO Brisvegas annoyed her (she was following me), we lost a little traction on a wet, rough bit of road near Buranda shopping centre. No Biggy, corrected and motored on. Except that suddenly I have no oomph in the accelerator, and if I try to speed up the car bucks like a Bronco!!! What the hell, have I bought a lemon????? Will I get back up the Range? will we get home in time for the Mini Brat to get her nails done?? Sounds like some kind of melodrama right?

I was right to be concerned about the Range. Oh dear. It was embarassing and humiliating and I found out JUST how much the MiniBrat is like her Father (HR). She huffed, she puffed she was downright fricken annoying whilst I tried to baby this piece of EuroTrash up the hill!!
Four times it stalled going up the hill and just because we were at the top didn't seem to make a difference. We must have stalled through at least three sets of lights ( yeah thanks to the dickheads who tooted in annoyance even though we had hazzard lights flashing and all cos like we weren't embarassed enough you know?). We finally made it home. My nerves were shot, the Mini Brat made her appointment so, you know, everything worked out yeah.
I rang HR. HR rang the Audi dealers. The Audi dealers inform HR of something called 'Limp Mode'.
Apparently the Audi has all these sensors everywhere and if somethng is off the car will go into the 'Limp Mode' to protect the car. You have enough power to get the vehicle to a garage apparently.

WHY WASN'T I TOLD????????????

SO, I will get the Audi to the mechanic on Monday and then hopefully I can get back to driving to wherever it is I need to drive………In PEACE!!!!!

© 2021 Kezzstar24